Why ignoring conventional grief advice was the best decision of my life
Behind the wheel in South Africa, my story beside me. Life gave no map, so I wrote my own. Choosing life, always!
"Don't make any big decisions in the first year."
This was the advice I kept receiving after my husband was tragically murdered, leaving me behind with our 11-day-old daughter. It was advice meant with kindness and care, intended to protect me during a profoundly vulnerable time. It's commonly given because grief can cloud judgment, making it difficult to think clearly or see the long-term implications of significant choices. Yet, as comforting as it might have sounded to others, it felt completely disconnected from my reality and my intuitive understanding of what I needed to do next.
Listening to my own voice
In the chaos that followed my husband's death, something unexpected happened: all external noise fell away. Amidst the overwhelming grief, I discovered a clarity I'd never experienced before. I could suddenly hear my own voice, loud and clear, guiding me towards what I knew deep down had to be done. One clear example was the sudden certainty I felt about leaving my job - a career that once defined me but now seemed entirely irrelevant.
Survival mode 2.0: taking radical action
Rather than standing still, waiting out that proverbial "first year," I acted. My decisions were drastic, swift, and intuitive:
I quit my high-level job. A career that defined so much of my identity suddenly felt utterly meaningless.
I sold our family home. What had once been filled with joy and plans for our future now only echoed memories of loss.
I faced court cases and legal battles head-on, without hesitation.
I emigrated, choosing a fresh start far from familiar reminders.
I purchased a new home guided purely by gut instinct, trusting implicitly in what felt right.
I invested significantly in what truly mattered: my daughter, healing, and rebuilding our lives.
These decisions allowed me to reclaim a sense of control and set the stage for true healing and renewal. To outsiders, my actions seemed reckless, impulsive - even irrational. Yet each decision was deeply grounded in the stark truth of my new reality. I wasn't just surviving; I was actively choosing to build a new life..
When conventional advice doesn't fit your reality
The conventional wisdom surrounding grief advises caution and delay. But grief is profoundly personal. What seems wise in theory can be utterly impractical in the harsh reality of loss. In my situation, waiting a year would have meant staying stuck in an unbearable limbo.
I had to trust my intuition fiercely because only I knew the depth of what I was experiencing. Moving forward wasn't about moving on—it was about survival, transformation, and reclaiming my agency.
My journey, captured in "Dag Lieverd, tot zo"
In my bestselling book, Dag Lieverd, tot zo, I share the raw, unfiltered journey from the unimaginable shock of becoming a widow and new mother simultaneously, through the brave and often misunderstood choices I made, to becoming the woman I am today.
But the book isn't a story about death.
It's a story about choosing life.
Let it move you, inspire you, and above all remind you:
If I could do this, so can you.