When The murderer applies for leave

Once a year, I get an update on how the murderer of my husband is doing and how he is progressing in the mental health hospital. Ten years in which no one ever asked how 𝘸𝘦 were doing. All focus has always been on the patient, the offender, the murderer - and 𝘩𝘪𝘴 recovery.

This year's update read: I can confirm that he remains in a secure hospital and that there have been on significant developments since you were last contacted by our service.

Five days later, a second email arrived.
The murderer had applied for a tribunal requesting leave

Jeroen was stabbed to death in an unprovoked and very violent attack which is too horrific to write about here and in a way the details don't even really matter.

What matters is that recently the law changed in the UK and victims now have the right to speak at such tribunals. I was asked if I wanted to use that right and was given four weeks to prepare my victim impact statement. The tribunal would be held online and I could present it myself, addressing the judge, the clinical team and the murderer who would also be present on the day.

While the regularity of life continued with school drop-offs, coaching calls, admin and grocery shopping, the words of this statement travelled with me wherever I went. I was on edge for weeks. My body spoke what my mind wanted to block out. It might have been easier to not make use of my right to speak, but that will simply never be an option for me.

I am a public speaker. I address large crowds and I know how to make an impact with my words. But this was a different ball game entirely as even though I was addressing the judge and the medical team, my words were meant for one person in particular.

I had four weeks to submit the statement and then another four weeks until the date of the tribunal.

Two days before, another email arrived with exactly these words: If the victim is abroad, she may join to hear the statement read, but she cannot read it out herself.

I was fucking furious, excuse my French. That information existed long before I spent weeks preparing myself emotionally. It should have been communicated right from the start. But rules are rules and there's nothing I could do apart from accept it.

So I did and handed my words to my victim liaison officer and I sat in the meeting and listened to my words being read out. For the first time I was an audience to my own talk and that had an impact I could not have foreseen.

Curious how the tribunal unfolded and what I learned from it?
Stay tuned